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John Mayer's Poems and Lyrics Short Stories, Opinions, Letters, Blogs, Rants, Authors & Quotes |
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I don't do Mondays!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is an excuse for not having enough sense to
be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
I'm a drunk! Alcoholics go to meetings.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is a bad way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Choose between two evils - pick the one you've
never tried before.
Change is inevitable... except from men.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people I know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A cat's a cat and that's that.
If cats could talk, they wouldn't.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
If you want world peace, fight for justice.
You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares
And on the eighth day, God went fishing
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas.
Gun Control isn't about guns. It's about control.
There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart.
My computer doesn't understand me!!
I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong!
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
A politician should do two terms - one in office and one in jail
Tired of being around? Call Dr. Jack
If all else fails .. lower your standards
Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass!
Life's a bitch, and so am I
It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees.
Nuke the gay unborn baby whales for peace
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing
He who dies with the most toys, wins!
Cat: The other white meat
I'm in no hurry, I'm on my way to work
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it
The #1 cause of divorce is ... Marriage
Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.
We are spending our kids inheritance.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Some days you're the Dog, & Some days you're the Hydrant
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Don't let school interfere with your education
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
My karma can run over your
dogma
Shit happens!
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them?
Men have feelings too, but who really cares?
And on the eighth day, God went skiing
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Athletes love to score
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
Yes, I've heard of "decaf." What's your point?
Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children
Procrastinate Later
I love cats, they taste just like chicken
Men are idiots and I married their king
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
The best way to get on your feet is to get off your ass!
Save the manatees! Trade them for valuable prizes!
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Have a crappy day
God grant me patience. And I want it NOW!
Impeach Clinton. And her husband.
I'll do it tomorrow, I've made enuf mistakes today
Give me coffee and no one will get hurt
Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee
Ignore your rights and they'll go away
If you're rich, I'm single!
The complaint department is closed!
I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it
Get even. Live long enough to be a problem to your children
Question Authority before it Questions You!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Support the right to arm bears!
I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
Invest in America Buy a Congressman!
A woman with a big fat ass should dump him
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an idiot!
You can't fix stupid
I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I've run out of sick days, so I'm calling in dead!
Politically incorrect and proud of it
Vegetables aren't food. Vegetables are what food eats.
If you drink like a fish - swim, don't drive
Earth First. We'll screw up the other planets later.
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle
If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether
Gun control is being able to hit your target
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you
I drive way too fast to worry about cholestrol
Reality is the leading cause of stress
Good planets are hard to find
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
Jesus is coming! Look busy
Same BS, different day
I like your approach, let's see your departure
Life's too short to date ugly men
I said for better or for worse, not forever!
Computer Literacy? You mean my computer is supposed to be able to read?
Quiet! Genius at work
Work is for people who don't surf the net!
Men are pigs
Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
To hell with the dog, beware of the owner
I'm not as think as you drunk I am
Was today really necessary?
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog
The computer revolution is over and the computers won!
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
It's bad enough driving sober. Don't drive drunk
Few women admit their age ... Fewer men act theirs
Honesty pays, but not enough
Computers aren't intelligent. They just think they are.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
A bad day of golf beats a good day of working
Ask me if I care!
Good cowgirls keep their calves together
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
I don't deserve self esteem
I'm not deaf. I'm just ignoring you.
Proud to be a Democrat (Republican)
Proud to be Liberal (Conservative)
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control
I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it
Ask me about my vow of silence
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
I only look Sweet & Innocent
You have the right to remain silent. So please SHUT UP.
Work harder. Millions on welfare depend on you
And on the eighth day, God played golf
If women are from Venus, then why can't we send them back?
Conservatives suck
A bad day of fishing beats a good day of working
Not all men are fools. Some are single.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance
Death Before Dishonor - Nothing Before Coffee
I love cats. Want to trade recipes?
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer
I'd rather be skiing
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