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Opinions, Poetry & Quotes Bilgewater
Why is it? Riddles Are computers masculine or feminine? Thanks for being my friend Money to Burn Don't Give Up Butterfly Insights Breast implants and Viagra Don't Panic
There is more money being spent on breast implants & Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs & large erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Why is it that sick
people have to walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the
front.
Only in North America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a
diet coke.
Only in North America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to
the counters.
Only in North America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in North America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages
of eight.
Only in North America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so
well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
Only in North America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with
real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they
make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
[1] The more you
take the more you leave behind.
[2] Big as a
biscuit, deep as a cup, even a river can't fill it up. What is it?
[3] Take one out
and scratch my head, I am now black but once was red.
[4] Remove the outside, cook the inside, eat the outside,
throw away the inside.
Answers
Are computers masculine or feminine?
A French teacher
was explaining to her College class that in French,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
House is feminine "la maison." Pencil is masculine "le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the
answer, the teacher split the class into two groups-male and female-and
asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a
masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons
for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender (la computer) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later review; and,
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
masculine (le computer) because:
1 In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and,
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Top of Page
READ THIS VERY SLOWLY..... IT'S PRETTY
PROFOUND.
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they
haven't thought about it, don't have it on
their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too
rigid to depart from their routine.
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about
going to lunch in a half hour? " She would gasp
and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My
hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday. I had a
late breakfast. It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's
Monday." She died a few years ago.
We never did have lunch together.
Because Americans (and Canadians?) cram so much into
their lives, we tend to schedule our
headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises
we make to ourselves when all the conditions are
perfect! We'll go back and visit the grandparents when
we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we
replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second
honeymoon when we get two
more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The
days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer.
One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany
of
"I'm going to", "I plan on" , and "Someday, when things are settled down a
bit." When anyone calls my 'seize the moment'
friend, she is open to adventure and available for
trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her
enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five
minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of
roller blades and skip an
elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 yea rs. I love ice cream. It's just
that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and
eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and
bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg
on the way home, I would
have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something
you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list.
If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make,
who would you call and what would you say? And
why are you waiting? Make sure you read this to the
end; you will understand why I sent this to you.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the
rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a
butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the
fading night? Do you run through each day on
the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear
the reply? the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next
hundred chores running through your head? Ever
told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his
sorrow? Ever lost touch?
Let a good friendship die? Just call to say
"Hi"? When you worry and hurry through
your day, It is like an unopened gift....Thrown away...
Life is not a race. Take it slower.
Hear the music before the song is over.
Show your friends how much you care.
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND.
If it comes back to you, then you'll know you
have a circle of friends.
Thanks for being my friend.
Top of Page
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity,
upside down, underwater, on almost any surface, including glass and at temperatures
ranging from below freezing to 300·C.
The Russians used a pencil. Top of Page
We do not
stop playing because we grow old.
We grow
old because we stop playing.
Never Be The First To Get Old!!!!!
Don't Give Up
by: Author Unknown, Source Unknown
Walt Disney was turned down 302 times before he got financing for his dream of creating
the "Happiest Place on Earth". Today, due to his persistence, millions of people
have shared 'the joy of Disney'. Colonel Sanders spent two years driving across the United
States looking for restaurants to buy his chicken recipe. He was turned down 1,009 times!
How successful is Kentucky Fried Chicken today? (Whether it's good
for you or not is another matter)
Having said this, keep in mind that you must constantly re-evaluate your circumstances and
the approach you are using to reach your goal. There is no sense in being persistent at
something that you are doing incorrectly! Sometimes you have to modify your approach along
the way. Every time you do something you learn from it, and therefore find a better way to
do it the next time.
(Don't give up your day job) Top of Page
Don't show your teeth if you can't bite.
...Chinese proverb
Butterfly
Insights
by: Joie Lake, Source Unknown
A marvelous lesson appeared for me just now as I was exiting thru the garage, to come to
this little play-place they call an office.
As I opened the garage door, I startled a large moth, which, upon spreading it's wings,
displayed a bright red "tail" hidden by the motley brown wings, more a
"butterfly" than a moth. It flew immediately to its perceived escape, the circle-topped window where it frantically
tried to exit thru the invisible wall of closed glass. I raised the third-car garage door in hopes of aiding it's escape. That caused it to fly
higher and higher and become entangled in a spider web. Fearful that it would remain
entangled in the web, I selected a long-handled broom to assist him escaping the tangled
threads. At this, he returned to furiously pumping his wings and banging into the glass, which was,
in his perspective, the pathway of escape, but remained his cage.
By simply turning his focus to one side, he would have easily exited his
prison. Rather,
due to his intent on one direction, he remained confined, captive.
Don't Panic by Ron Miller
In business people panic about practically everything---missed deadlines, orders
not received, comments by others, fear of mistakes, negative trends, etc. Panic
is neutral at best and greatly interferes at worst. It makes others (and you)
feel tense and fearful. It increases the likelihood of mistakes, missed
opportunities, and miscommunication. Make a commitment to stop panicking, you'll
notice that a vast majority of what you worried about will never happen, or
won't be as bad as you first thought. Learn to keep calm and wisdom will come
forth, and you will bring out the best in others. Eliminate panic from your
thinking. This will help you on your path to abundance.
Left ~ Right
Left-footedness is roughly twice as common as left-handedness.
The right foot is generally more ticklish than the left.
[1] Footsteps [2] A kitchen strainer [3] A match [4] Corn